By Matthew T. Eng, Offbeat NOVA
Look. We have all done it. A Northern Virginia resident’s lifestyle and monetary requirements almost make it a condition. Even if you don’t want it to encroach on all aspects of your life, there is a strong possibility that you have a piece of IKEA furniture in your house. The chances you have wrestled with furniture names you can’t pronounce and an Allen wrench that will haunt your dreams and fingertips are high. When we bought our house in November 2020, we had so much more room to “fill in.” Coupled with old, aging, and seemingly ugly furniture from my college and bachelor years in the rental house, I knew I would have to eventually donate or toss all of that and ascend to the next level of domesticity (Hint: The final boss is a Crate & Barrel mid-century sectional).
If I have to GO to IKEA, I need to make it worth my while. Those horse meatballs aren’t enough to sustain a half-day venture out to Woodbridge. In that spirit, I made a game out of it while shopping for modular furniture I can’t pronounce. If you were trapped in an Ikea during a zombie apocalypse, which room would you pick? How would you rate them? Imagining I was in a Swedish version of Dawn of the Dead, here is my definitive ranking of the showrooms at IKEA Woodbridge.
This is the first of a multi-part series. Because there are so many showrooms in IKEA, it’s prudent to split them up into sections.
Note: These are not ranked in order but are shown in the flow of the showroom itself. Instead, I employed a system of 1-5 hex wrenches, the impossibly frustrating tool used to assemble most of the furniture.
1. Boring Newlywed Couple
This is the first showroom that comes up to view after you ascend the escalator to the main showroom floor. I think this one appeals to new couples or newlyweds who just got married and need to fill their bedroom with “something.” There isn’t a lot of thought into what’s going on in the room itself, just a void that needs filling. I think that’s what most couples are concerned with after marriage anyway.
The Slattum bed is an interesting choice. The sheets look like they were carried over from the husband’s bachelor days.
One of the bright spots of the room is the tray at the end of the bed (but what is up with that picture? Does the husband call his wife “mother,” perhaps?). I know I would use the tray personally, but it makes me think this couple watches a lot of Great British Baking Show at night, commenting how “the show used to be so much better.” Paul Hollywood would never approve of this room. It is the spatial equivalent of a soggy bottom.
The water bottle on the workstation on the bed tells me one of the two works from home. If we think specifically of Northern Virginia, I am thinking of a new overly-priced condo in Arlington or Falls Church. They make enough money, but that doesn’t necessarily make up for taste. That being said, I bet their living room and kitchen look much better than their bedroom. Appearances, right?
I think they tried with the paint to make a bit of an accent where the bed was, but everything else screams “meh.” I feel like this couple met at the Yard House and goes there on their anniversary. The husband drinks the yard of beer and attempts to get frisky at home before passing out on this uncomfortable ass bed. The pop of red on the wall above doesn’t save it, either.
Vanilla sex was had here. That’s not an accent pillow. It’s a stress ball for her to clutch when she thinks she made a mistake. You can do better, girl. Take the laundry basket and run. (Verdict: 2 out of 5 Hex Wrenches)
2. Kid-Centric Family Living Room
This is much better.
To be honest, this resembles the layout of my house’s tv room/kitchen area. It’s nice to have a complete family unit in one place. There is a tv in the room, but it isn’t necessarily the central focus. The cute miniature table and chairs give the family enough space to spread out with some arts and crafts (and let’s not forget the ample storage space for supplies, toys, etc.). That is crucial. It might not be aesthetically pleasing, but it is absolutely necessary to have all that stuff be out of sight and out of mind when needed.
There are a number of individual items I disapprove of (the weird circus painting and the sign that simply says “love”). Clearly, the decorator had wall space to fill and chose a few pieces from the “bored suburban family” collection (I think the proper IKEA furniture name is Ballsäk, but I can’t be sure). It’s an otherwise decent space that has a great “lived-in” feel missing in so many of these IKEA showrooms. (Verdict: 3 out of 5 Hex Wrenches)
3. So Many Individual Products
To be completely honest, it’s hard to get a beat on this one because I am distracted by the CVS receipts hanging everywhere. It really detracts from the overall flow of the kitchen. Although the showroom itself occupies a smaller footprint than most rooms, I could definitely see myself cooking in this kitchen. The stove kinda gives me a “renovated-in-Arlington-and-ran-out-of-money” vibe, but that’s okay. Look how much counter space there is to chop stuff! I dig the utilitarian aspect of it all, but it definitely needs a pop of color. You will also notice that IKEA showrooms continually use those white cabinets everywhere.
Pro: Functional and open. I can see a husband and wife duo having a great conversation while cutting vegetables to make a bland stir fry.
Con: Almost everything you see in this kitchen showroom can be found in the marketplace downstairs. I’m also not taking up that much valuable space on the hanging board for a single spatula. Come on Ikea, that’s just lazy.
One thing I will say: $461 for that butcher block countertop? Damn. That’s a deal. This is why everybody shops and ends. up buying something at IKEA. (Verdict: 2 out of 5 Hex Wrenches)
4. Suburban Swingers
I just get a vibe with this one.
At first, I was focused because it looks like this one is meant to be both inside and out. In the end, I envisioned that the foreground items are from a screened-in porch adjacent to the living room. There’s a couple that lives down the street from me with a very similar set-up, and I am almost positive they are swingers. They CONSTANTLY have new people over, either out front on their deck (with a table that looks shockingly similar to the one here) or out on the screened porch with the bbq grill.
I imagine quite a few margaritas being consumed from that bar cart in the front. The couple weighs and measures their guests, then casually throws out the “my wife and I really dig your vibe” line after marg number #5. The husband probably wears a tight-fitting embroidered t-shirt and a backwards hat. Maybe the party is taken inside with some awkward dancing next to the sectional couch? There aren’t any items that screen “home” or “family,” but more of a staging area for some suburban nocturnal naughtiness. There will be political talk, but that political talk will turn into if they have read the literary genius that is E.L. James. No? Well, let me tell you about it while I refill that drink, sweetheart.
(turns on Boz Scaggs and puts on a kimono)
Run John and Cheryl. Run. The carne asada isn’t worth it, and neither is this showroom. (Verdict: 2 out of 5 Hex Wrenches)
5. Seasonal Affective Disorder: The Room
Have you ever wanted to telework, eat, relax, and sleep in the same spot? If the answer is yes, you are probably going through it right now. Trust me, I get it. So am I. If that energy could be channeled into one room, this would be it. To be honest, I definitely vibe with it.
The white tray means that you’re working from the couch for the majority of the day. The sad folding chair to the left means you will splurge for effort on a small desk for the really important Teams calls that require you to turn on your camera. From that angle, you will be able to see the corkboard “vision board” of S.A.D., which includes photographs of places you plan to go (but never will), art you find acceptable but have no real interest in, and pens. Pens are crucial. Don’t quote me, but pens are the talismans of winter depression.
Who is the owner? Well…
You don’t entertain guests. This is your sanctuary and safe zone. A clubhouse for a generation crippled under the weight of the mistakes made by previous generations. You probably take phone calls from your parents on that couch about how upset they are that they paid for their education.
You’re also taking your meals on the same couch tray. So much wine has been consumed on that couch watching The First 48. The fake plants are the real chef’s kiss. You want the appearance but not the hassle of caring for something other than yourself.
You have a bedroom but will regularly convert the couch to a decently comfortable bed. You don’t want to move to sleep but you want the lower back pain in the morning to remind you that you feel something. I get it. The little table next to the couch/bed will hold plenty of emotional support cups of water. If there was an Ikea near me when I finished college, I probably would have bought this entire room. Bravo. (Verdict: 4 out of 5 Hex Wrenches)
Stayed tuned for PART II. Coming Soon!
Offbeat NOVA 