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Matthew Eng prince william county Woodbridge

Rating the Showrooms at IKEA Woodbridge (Part II)

By Matthew T. Eng, Offbeat NOVA

Ah, yes. Spring is in the air. 

Everybody wants to start over out of the winter slumber. New clothes. New perspective. How about new furniture that’s hard to pronounce but cheap enough to ignore the fact that you have to put it together? Sure. 

Out with the old and in with the new right? I know of a place where you can stretch your dollar and get that springtime fresh feeling with new furniture: IKEA. IKEA Woodbridge near the Potomac Mills Mall has been a staple in the community for years. I love IKEA because they have unique showrooms that take half of the decision-making out of it. Does it spark joy? Ok…but does the price point spark joy? 

There you go. Crate & Barrel still seems like a pipe dream. 

STARTING at $1,700? If you get something from the “Gather” collection does it come with a sign to hang in your kitchen and years of repressed racism?

This is the second in a three-part series highlighting my favorite showrooms (15 Total) at the Woodbridge IKEA. For this round of five showrooms, I am also going to add where I think the showroom resides, AKA what part of Northern Virginia.

PART I

Note: These are not ranked in order but are shown in the flow of the showroom itself. Instead, I employed a system of 1-5 hex wrenches, the impossibly frustrating tool used to assemble most of the furniture.

  1. Gamer Dad Family Man

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. What about a showroom? This room definitely paints a very specific picture on its modular canvas.

I envision a bunch of kids running around and playing with toys using the bin on the right. Dad is telling the kids to stop playing in front of the television because he is a gamer (you can see the controller and headphones on the table. I’m also guessing that he is playing Call of Duty. He probably needs to let off some steam after a long day at the consulting offices. If he isn’t a mid-level manager at KPMG, I would be impressed. The couch is nice, but not cozy. I don’t get a sense that a lot of weekend movies are watched there. Just gaming.

As far as couches go, the 4-seat sectional Morabo is about as expensive as it gets for the store (which is funny because that is about the base price for anything at Crate & Barrel). There are a few included touches you know gamer-dad didn’t do, like the bookshelves and scrawly-text portraits. Mom went off on that one. In her mind, it really ties the room together, or at least distracts from the fact that the couple’s portrait rests just to the left of what looks like an urn for ashes. You can speculate all the symbolism you want there. Let your imagination run wild.

Given that the toy bin is in the same room as the nice couch and video games, I am going to assume that space is an issue. (Verdict: 2 out of 5 Hex Wrenches)

Northern Virginia location: Seminary Hill, Alexandria

2. Netflix and Chill

Picture this: Recent George Washington University graduate has lots of talent and even more debt. The education received at the prestigious school lands the individual a great job in the Rossyln. The job is great because it has hybrid flexibility, as you can see by the small home office set up in the living room. In fact, everything in this room is moderately priced and perfect for a recent college graduate getting into the work game. Unfortunately, all that time for school has left little time for the dating game. After furnishing their apartment with head-to-toe IKEA, they decide to get back in the game and go on some dates. Some are duds, but the one we see here…is a winner.

The beverage service on the table means two things: the date started and ended at the house (they did not go out to eat), and the second: it’s all pretty self explanatory. The “Are you still watching” is the digital “do not disturb.” Maybe some dinner was made. Either way, the date shifted to the couch where they put something on before the magic hour…or two?

It’s definitely an apartment, and it’s definitely in Clarendon. Date two will be at Maison Cheryl with a few glasses of wine…then Netflix. Ah, to be young. (Verdict: 4 out of 5 Hex Wrenches)

3. Old Town Grill Daddy

Of all the years going to IKEA to either pick up furniture or just shop around in the marketplace, this particular set-up has rarely changed. There are only a few “outdoor” showrooms at this location, but this is by far my favorite.

I know a lot of the materials in this image seem kind of cliche, but I love it. I love the floral accent wall. I love the lights. I love the fake wood deck and the focal point of the grill to the chairs. You can sense there might be some light entertaining happening in the small backyard. I envision a small patch of grass nearby that a small dog uses to relieve itself. Maybe it’s just the fact that it’s starting to get warm, but I am totally into it.

But the focus is the grill and the adjacent water hookup with the sink. Putting chicken on the grill? No problem – I can wash my hands here. It’s the kind of luxury I can get down with, especially in such a small space. The large compost bin at the bottom screams environmentally conscious, if not slightly crunchy. There might even be some prepping done outside. A little mise en place with Miller Lite? Oh hell yeah. (Verdict: 4 out of 5 Hex Wrenches)

This is a well-to-do newlywed couple in Old Town Alexandria.

4. Patrick Bateman Lives Here

You like Huey Lewis and the News?

This room screams serial killer, albeit a cost-conscious one. It’s still a serial killer. Nobody lights up the back of their television screen that actually uses it. It’s all just for show. Just like the abundance of carpet space that doubles as a great location for drop cloth to sop up Paul Allen’s blood.

There’s something so sterile and unsettling about this room. No art. All white. The wine decanter and two glasses. If you walk into this room with an attractive but assertive gentleman that works as a Vice President for Mergers and Acquisitions at Pierce & Pierce, run away. Run away as fast as you can. Just make sure you look out for falling chainsaws. (Verdict 2 out of 5 Hex Wrenches)

If Bateman lived in NOVA, he would definitely live in McLean.

5. Cozy Office/Library

Although I am not a super fan of the color choice in this office/library, I cannot deny how cozy it all looks. Despite the darkness of the furniture, there is a good amount of light that let’s you believe it’s a room that two or more people would ACTUALLY use — and that’s a rarity in some of these IKEA showrooms.

I love the large bookshelves with room to display personal pieces and tchotchke’s of various sizes. There’s personality to this room.

I can see plenty of board games being played in here. Maybe some light jazz music to keep it fancy? The marginal wall art near the desk makes me think it’s the location of a work-from-home set up. That area is the only reason this room is not getting a 5-out-of-5 hex wrench ranking. (Verdict: 4 out of 5 Hex Wrenches)

This room is for the DC commuter who loves spending weekends in their home with family. I’m thinking Leesburg.

Stay tuned for the third and final part of this IKEA showroom series!

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Matthew Eng prince william county retail Woodbridge

Rating the Showrooms at IKEA Woodbridge (Part I)

By Matthew T. Eng, Offbeat NOVA

Look. We have all done it. A Northern Virginia resident’s lifestyle and monetary requirements almost make it a condition. Even if you don’t want it to encroach on all aspects of your life, there is a strong possibility that you have a piece of IKEA furniture in your house. The chances you have wrestled with furniture names you can’t pronounce and an Allen wrench that will haunt your dreams and fingertips are high. When we bought our house in November 2020, we had so much more room to “fill in.” Coupled with old, aging, and seemingly ugly furniture from my college and bachelor years in the rental house, I knew I would have to eventually donate or toss all of that and ascend to the next level of domesticity (Hint: The final boss is a Crate & Barrel mid-century sectional).

After a while in IKEA, I always feel the urge to type this so people at Potomac Mills can see me.

If I have to GO to IKEA, I need to make it worth my while. Those horse meatballs aren’t enough to sustain a half-day venture out to Woodbridge. In that spirit, I made a game out of it while shopping for modular furniture I can’t pronounce. If you were trapped in an Ikea during a zombie apocalypse, which room would you pick? How would you rate them? Imagining I was in a Swedish version of Dawn of the Dead, here is my definitive ranking of the showrooms at IKEA Woodbridge.

This is the first of a multi-part series. Because there are so many showrooms in IKEA, it’s prudent to split them up into sections.

Note: These are not ranked in order but are shown in the flow of the showroom itself. Instead, I employed a system of 1-5 hex wrenches, the impossibly frustrating tool used to assemble most of the furniture.

1. Boring Newlywed Couple

This is the first showroom that comes up to view after you ascend the escalator to the main showroom floor. I think this one appeals to new couples or newlyweds who just got married and need to fill their bedroom with “something.” There isn’t a lot of thought into what’s going on in the room itself, just a void that needs filling. I think that’s what most couples are concerned with after marriage anyway.

The Slattum bed is an interesting choice. The sheets look like they were carried over from the husband’s bachelor days.

One of the bright spots of the room is the tray at the end of the bed (but what is up with that picture? Does the husband call his wife “mother,” perhaps?). I know I would use the tray personally, but it makes me think this couple watches a lot of Great British Baking Show at night, commenting how “the show used to be so much better.” Paul Hollywood would never approve of this room. It is the spatial equivalent of a soggy bottom.

The water bottle on the workstation on the bed tells me one of the two works from home. If we think specifically of Northern Virginia, I am thinking of a new overly-priced condo in Arlington or Falls Church. They make enough money, but that doesn’t necessarily make up for taste. That being said, I bet their living room and kitchen look much better than their bedroom. Appearances, right?

I think they tried with the paint to make a bit of an accent where the bed was, but everything else screams “meh.” I feel like this couple met at the Yard House and goes there on their anniversary. The husband drinks the yard of beer and attempts to get frisky at home before passing out on this uncomfortable ass bed. The pop of red on the wall above doesn’t save it, either.

Vanilla sex was had here. That’s not an accent pillow. It’s a stress ball for her to clutch when she thinks she made a mistake. You can do better, girl. Take the laundry basket and run. (Verdict: 2 out of 5 Hex Wrenches)

2. Kid-Centric Family Living Room

This is much better.

To be honest, this resembles the layout of my house’s tv room/kitchen area. It’s nice to have a complete family unit in one place. There is a tv in the room, but it isn’t necessarily the central focus. The cute miniature table and chairs give the family enough space to spread out with some arts and crafts (and let’s not forget the ample storage space for supplies, toys, etc.). That is crucial. It might not be aesthetically pleasing, but it is absolutely necessary to have all that stuff be out of sight and out of mind when needed.

There are a number of individual items I disapprove of (the weird circus painting and the sign that simply says “love”). Clearly, the decorator had wall space to fill and chose a few pieces from the “bored suburban family” collection (I think the proper IKEA furniture name is Ballsäk, but I can’t be sure). It’s an otherwise decent space that has a great “lived-in” feel missing in so many of these IKEA showrooms. (Verdict: 3 out of 5 Hex Wrenches)

3. So Many Individual Products

To be completely honest, it’s hard to get a beat on this one because I am distracted by the CVS receipts hanging everywhere. It really detracts from the overall flow of the kitchen. Although the showroom itself occupies a smaller footprint than most rooms, I could definitely see myself cooking in this kitchen. The stove kinda gives me a “renovated-in-Arlington-and-ran-out-of-money” vibe, but that’s okay. Look how much counter space there is to chop stuff! I dig the utilitarian aspect of it all, but it definitely needs a pop of color. You will also notice that IKEA showrooms continually use those white cabinets everywhere.

Pro: Functional and open. I can see a husband and wife duo having a great conversation while cutting vegetables to make a bland stir fry.

Con: Almost everything you see in this kitchen showroom can be found in the marketplace downstairs. I’m also not taking up that much valuable space on the hanging board for a single spatula. Come on Ikea, that’s just lazy.

One thing I will say: $461 for that butcher block countertop? Damn. That’s a deal. This is why everybody shops and ends. up buying something at IKEA. (Verdict: 2 out of 5 Hex Wrenches)

4. Suburban Swingers

I just get a vibe with this one.

At first, I was focused because it looks like this one is meant to be both inside and out. In the end, I envisioned that the foreground items are from a screened-in porch adjacent to the living room. There’s a couple that lives down the street from me with a very similar set-up, and I am almost positive they are swingers. They CONSTANTLY have new people over, either out front on their deck (with a table that looks shockingly similar to the one here) or out on the screened porch with the bbq grill.

I imagine quite a few margaritas being consumed from that bar cart in the front. The couple weighs and measures their guests, then casually throws out the “my wife and I really dig your vibe” line after marg number #5. The husband probably wears a tight-fitting embroidered t-shirt and a backwards hat. Maybe the party is taken inside with some awkward dancing next to the sectional couch? There aren’t any items that screen “home” or “family,” but more of a staging area for some suburban nocturnal naughtiness. There will be political talk, but that political talk will turn into if they have read the literary genius that is E.L. James. No? Well, let me tell you about it while I refill that drink, sweetheart.

(turns on Boz Scaggs and puts on a kimono)

Run John and Cheryl. Run. The carne asada isn’t worth it, and neither is this showroom. (Verdict: 2 out of 5 Hex Wrenches)

5. Seasonal Affective Disorder: The Room

Have you ever wanted to telework, eat, relax, and sleep in the same spot? If the answer is yes, you are probably going through it right now. Trust me, I get it. So am I. If that energy could be channeled into one room, this would be it. To be honest, I definitely vibe with it.

The white tray means that you’re working from the couch for the majority of the day. The sad folding chair to the left means you will splurge for effort on a small desk for the really important Teams calls that require you to turn on your camera. From that angle, you will be able to see the corkboard “vision board” of S.A.D., which includes photographs of places you plan to go (but never will), art you find acceptable but have no real interest in, and pens. Pens are crucial. Don’t quote me, but pens are the talismans of winter depression.

Who is the owner? Well…

You don’t entertain guests. This is your sanctuary and safe zone. A clubhouse for a generation crippled under the weight of the mistakes made by previous generations. You probably take phone calls from your parents on that couch about how upset they are that they paid for their education.

You’re also taking your meals on the same couch tray. So much wine has been consumed on that couch watching The First 48. The fake plants are the real chef’s kiss. You want the appearance but not the hassle of caring for something other than yourself.

You have a bedroom but will regularly convert the couch to a decently comfortable bed. You don’t want to move to sleep but you want the lower back pain in the morning to remind you that you feel something. I get it. The little table next to the couch/bed will hold plenty of emotional support cups of water. If there was an Ikea near me when I finished college, I probably would have bought this entire room. Bravo. (Verdict: 4 out of 5 Hex Wrenches)

Stayed tuned for PART II. Coming Soon!

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Matthew Eng Postscripts prince william county

Offbeat Postscripts: Steel City NOVA in Mindhunter

Offbeat Postscripts is a series of short posts where we cover small topics of offbeat history in Northern Virginia. 

By Matthew T. Eng, Offbeat NOVA

When we started this blog in July of last year, I talked about the reasons we started the project. One thing that prompted us to begin this endeavor was, like so many other people borne out of boredom and the nearly infinite amount of time on our hands, a Netflix binge. For us, the binge-worthy show in question was Netflix’s Mindhunter. 

Above all other shows I binge watched (or rewatched) in while in quarantine (Cobra Kai, Black Sails, Gotham, Stranger Things, etc.), I enjoyed Mindhunter the most. After all, it got both of us thinking about this project. As much as Holden Ford wanted to discover the psychology behind serial killings, I wanted to learn more about the history, legend, and lore of the area where I now call home. 

Interestingly enough, that show happens to “take place” largely in several locations in Northern Virginia. I use the term “locations” because the majority of these scenes take place at the FBI Academy in Quantico, Virginia. The academy is located in Prince William County. Quantico is a frequent location in many popular films and television series, including Mindhunter. Whether it be Silence of the Lambs, Hannibal, Criminal Minds, or the short-lived eponymously-named show on ABC, “Quantico” is never really Quantico.  

(Top) “Quantico” from the Highland Park VA Hospital; (Center) Highland Park VA Hospital; (Bottom Left) Guard Station at “Quantico;” (Bottom Right) Highland Park VA Hospital from the Sky. Images: Atlas of Wonders, SetDecorators.org, Google Earth.

In the case of Mindhunter, the film’s third scene begins in Quantico as Holden heads back to train Academy students on hostage negotiation. The exterior shots of the building, all done up in perfect late 1970s nostalgia, was shot at the former Veterans Hospital in Highland Park in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.1 Looking at the images on Google Maps, I can see why producers chose the location: it is a large complex (168 acres) with ample space set within a small forest of trees on all sides for privacy. 

The hospital, which opened in 1953 as a neuropsychiatric facility for World War II veterans suffering from PTSD, was officially closed by the VA Pittsburgh Healthcare System in 2013, allowing Netflix the use of a relatively new abandoned property along the Allegheny River.2 The interior shots of the building were filmed at a place called 31st Street Studios, a few miles down the bend in Pittsburgh in the hip Strip District. The studio was also where the interior shots of Holden’s apartment in Fredericksburg were shot in the second scene of the first episode. 

Quantico FBI Complex (Wikimedia Commons/Pinterest)

Looking at the actual building Quantico, you can see a small resemblance. The architecture and style is similar, reminiscent of the Soviet-style Brutalism that is either loved or hated by DMV residents. The doll-up passes muster, as does most of the production for the show. The budget was undoubtedly high, allowing them to take creative license within acceptable taste. 

Entrance of George Washington Hotel in Washington, PA, where Holden and Debbie exit (Wikimedia Commons)

Also in the first episode, Holden has a drink with another instructor at an unnamed bar near Quantico. We only know that it is south of Quantico, because Holden later tells his future girlfriend Debbie that he worked “up the road.” Reading too far into it, one might assume the bar would be fictionally set in Fredericksburg near where he lived. The exterior location of the bar in question was filmed at the George Washington Hotel in Washington, Pennsylvania, just south of Pittsburgh where many other scenes for the series were shot. 

So the next time you are in the “Steel City” and its surrounding bedroom communities, take a look and think about that show where Kristoff from Frozen is naked a lot and basically becomes a serial killer/sociopath by the end of the second season. You know, just normal thoughts we all have in quarantine, right?

Images courtesy of Atlas of Wonders/Filming Locations. 

Footnotes:

  1. Ra Moon, “Filming Locations Guide: Where was Mindhunter Filmed?” Atlas of Wonders, October 2017. Accessed March 3, 2021, LINK.
  2. Bob Bauder, “Pittsburgh closing in on acquisition of former VA hospital in Highland Park, Trib Live, July 14, 2020. Accessed March 3, 2021, LINK.